As every baby book will tell you, parenting is full of miracles. Sure, there are the sweet, gooey, “my baby gazed into my eyes and I caught a glimpse of Divine Love,” kind of moments, but also some more mysterious episodes full of fear and trembling. I myself have witnessed all of the following events, and I can offer no other explanation than Divine intervention.
First miracle: time shifts. I’m convinced that time literally disappears whenever I try to get my son out the door. Perhaps I’m in an ecstatic state–but more likely it’s a miraculous rift in the space-time continuum. There’s no other explanation for how 20 minutes slip by when all I’m trying to do is put a pair of shoes on two tiny feet.
Second miracle: Bilocation, which is the phenomenon where a person is miraculously located in two distinct places at one time. You may think this is rare, but I’m convinced all toddlers can do it. That’s why it takes the full efforts of both me and my husband in order to get anything done while watching the kid, and why our house gets messy so fast–our son is likely playing with measuring cups on the kitchen floor AND knocking blocks over in the nursery at the same time.
Finally: Superhuman strength. How, how, HOW is it possible for the contents of a diaper–thick, putty-like contents, no less!–to be shot out so forcefully that it escapes the elastic waist of the diaper and smears a full six-inches up baby’s clean, freshly-bathed (of course!) back? It’s incomprehensible. And of course, the clean-up process also involved another time shift miracle–which made me quite late to work.